Remember Now What We Forgot

Remember Now What We Forgot

By Demi 

Summary: Lois has regained her memory but finds she needs time to
sort through the kaleidoscope of emotions that bombard her.
Continuity-wise, this story takes place after the episode
"Oedipus Wrecks."


***

Lois shivered and brought her hands up to her bare shoulders for
warmth, rubbing them slowly up and down her arms to distribute
some of the heat. The sun was a brilliant fiery crimson color as
she watched it descend over the smooth glassy surface of the
lake. She listened to the water lap against the shore: a whisper
only a few feet away. She was alone. Searching in silence and
hoping to recapture the fragments of herself which hid from her
even now. Darkness fell in increments around her and the tiny
specs of starlight which poked their way through the canopy of
velvet sky above, grew more and more prominent with each passing
minute. She sighed deeply and sank down into the warm sand, until
she lay flat on her back, gazing up at forever...

It was balmy. She ran one hand through her hair and tucked it
behind her ear out of habit. So much had happened in the last few
weeks, she wasn't even sure if what she now took to be memories
weren't simply glimpses into a kaleidoscope of dreams she had
been experiencing. Whatever it was, the feelings had compelled
her to come here: On the outskirts of the city, along the tenuous
line where the rush of civilization and the peaceful tranquillity
of nature fell against one another. Where the lights of the city
glistened almost as beautifully in the distance as the stars
overhead, and where the whispers of the lake and the wind through
the trees seemed to ask the questions she was so afraid to. These
things forced her to acknowledge that she had come here to exist
alone and to wonder why it was she no longer felt whole.

Like flashes of light, she recalled Lex and Clark, Superman and
Max. Slowly lifting her left hand in front of her eyes, she
examined the pink reflection of the waning sunlight in the
diamond solitaire against her finger and remembered being up
*there* with Clark when he had slipped it onto her finger yet
again. She traced the pattern of a constellation in the sky; her
arm outstretched, and she watched the night grow darker.

***

Clark sat alone in his apartment, on his couch. He held a book
out in front of his face but he hadn't read a word of it in over
an hour. Sighing he put the book down on the coffee table and lay
back reclining his head against the arm of the sofa and placing
one hand over his forehead. Lois had asked to be alone tonight.
He wasn't sure exactly what that meant but he had respected her
wish. He didn't even know where she was exactly, just that she
wasn't at her apartment. But he thought that if he needed to, he
could find her in a hurry. Unless and until then, he would give
her her privacy.

Yesterday had been a shock to both of them: She had remembered,
everything. Or at least he thought she had. He had taken her
home, gently setting her on her feet inside her apartment as he'd
done so many times before, but this time it was almost unbearable
for him to let her go. He'd wanted to stay with her, to finally
have some time alone together now that she knew who he was! What
they meant to each other. Truthfully, after she had allowed him
to slip that ring over her finger once again, what he'd wanted
desperately...more than he'd ever wanted anything in his entire
life, was to take her into his arms completely, to hold her close
to him forever, or at least a few hours. His breath caught in his
throat on a sigh and he shuddered when he remembered how powerful
the emotions he felt had been. Still were. He'd never known how
profoundly he was hurting until he was allowed to touch her, to
hold her and to kiss her once again. The flood gates were flung
wide open and he'd barely managed to keep from crushing her tiny
frame against his. Thinking about these now still made his
stomach coil into a knot of anxiety and he struggled against his
pent up emotions.

In the end that night, she seemed distant. It wasn't something
tangible, something he might have been able to put his finger on,
it was just...a *feeling* that he had. Something in the way she
smiled that wasn't...Lois. He'd asked her if she was okay, but
she had assured him that she was fine, and that she just needed
to rest. So reluctantly, he'd left.

Today, after she'd taken a day off from the Planet, which was so
unlike her, she'd called him in the evening and practically
begged him not to come over. To just let her be alone. He
couldn't help but wonder why she was pushing him away. Especially
now, when they had only just been reunited; now that he felt like
he may die if he didn't get to hold her again, to reassure
himself that she was really there, and really his..

Last night she had said that 'loving him was what she really
wanted.' But tonight, he wasn't sure she still felt the same way.
Clark sighed. It was her decision, and he loved her way too much
to disregard it. He understood how she felt about needing time to
herself, time to get things into perspective. And whatever *he*
was feeling right now, her needs had to come first. He could only
imagine how confused she was: The rush of memories she must have
felt yesterday and the conflicting emotions she'd been dealing
with for the past several weeks. These *had* to still be weighing
on her soul.

"Lois..." He whispered. He closed his eyes and traced a pattern
with his hand above him, visualizing her face. "I wish I could
touch you..."

Her voice echoed in his head far away and he smiled..

**You can touch me. ...Something about you always made sense to
me...That's the part that touches me.**

"Lois, " He whispered once again. "I ..."

***

"...love you." Lois awoke from a light sleep, realizing she had
whispered the words aloud. Her heart beat against her chest and
she swallowed, trying to bring things into focus. The feeling was
strong, intense even; and she shut her eyes to try and center
herself through the dizzying emotion. Her loose, sleeveless
chemise ruffled in the slightly chilly breeze and she pulled it
down over her skirt reflexively, sitting up. The small jacket
she'd taken with her lay nearby and she toyed with the idea of
putting it on, but the feel of the breeze against her skin wasn't
entirely unpleasant, and it wasn't cold enough yet to make her
uncomfortable.

She let her mind drift back over to thoughts of Clark and
suddenly, she remembered seeing him through the rear view mirror
of a limousine, standing, watching her drive away with Lex. He
had *let* her go. She'd pretended for a while that it didn't
matter, she tried so hard to make it not matter...because they
were together again. But it had. It did. And the most terrifying
part of it all was that she *could* remember everything now. Or
at lease she thought she could...The way she had felt around Lex
when she thought he was 'Kent', the way Clark had looked into her
eyes when she was in the hospital; there was such hope there,
such desperation and she hadn't understood it then. God, she knew
he'd been hurting, that's why she wanted to let it go, but there
were so many things that didn't make sense! How could he have
believed that she would ever willingly go off with that man? With
*any* man other than him. She was confused and the doubts she
felt gnawed holes in her resolve.

Still more intensely than any of these thoughts, however, was one
question that burned inside of her, and she wasn't even sure if
she had the right to ask it, let alone be upset should the answer
be...

What if...

***

**...you'd slept with the clone...**

Clark's mind suddenly snapped into focus and he sat up instantly,
whispering out loud...

"I almost did. I *would* have if she hadn't..."

**Isn't that just as unforgivable? Oh God, I'm talking to
myself.**

He hadn't told her. And now, perhaps she believed that he *had*
done it. What if that was the reason she didn't want to see him
anymore. What if she never... NO! That was not an option. It
couldn't be...still...

Was there really a difference if he had or hadn't? The intent had
surely been there. Did the fact that the physical end had not
actually taken place matter that much? He had fully intended to
go ahead and...now he didn't think he was any less guilty of
betraying her in the most intimate way then if he had actually
committed the act.

"Oh, Lois, I didn't want to hurt you, I would never have hurt you
on purpose. Please don't let this be the reason..."

But Lois wasn't here now and he was. Alone. He needed to talk to
her. If only he could *see* her...he *couldn't* interfere on her
privacy, it wouldn't be right but he *needed* her to understand.
Even if she wasn't thinking the worst, she needed to know the
truth and they needed to deal with it...together.

Suddenly, Clark looked up, a familiar expression crossing his
face as he tipped his head to listen more carefully.

"No..." He whispered, and in a gust of air and a blur of
movement, he was gone.

***

Lois brought both hands up to massage her temples. It was such a
beautiful night and coming here *was* helping her focus, but now
she wasn't sure if she wanted to know the answers to the
questions she had found or not. As if someone had activated a
switch inside of her head, the pain in her temple grew into a
steady ache and Lois groaned in protest, *knowing* what was to
come. She felt a familiar disorientation as one of the frequent
dizzy spells she'd been having ever since the accident washed
over her full force. She had hoped that these would go away now
that her memory had returned, but the reeling of the forest and
the scenery around her quickly convinced her that this was not
so. More suddenly than she was prepared for, everything lost
clarity and she was spiraling down into darkness; falling...

She was dimly aware of her body sinking back into the sand around
her and then, everything was blackness and she was having that
same dream she'd used to have over and over again...

"Can you feel it?" There were voices. Someone
else's...and...hers, she thought, she could hear herself speaking
even though she felt apart from the experience.

"Where are you?" She asked.

"Relax...listen."

"I can't see any..." It was cold.

"Shhhh..."

"It's so dark."

"It's always dark in the beginning. Find your way. Close your
eyes and *feel*." The voice was calm, so very calm and soothing.
She remembered it.

"I can't...I..."

"Find your way."

"I ca...Oh my God!" A rush of light and wind slammed against her
and shattered the blackness.

"What do you see?"

"It's beautiful..."

"Where are you?"

"I'm flying. I don't know how but I'm flying..." She could feel
the wind beneath her and the sky above, but there was something
missing...

"Have you had this dream before?"

"I dreamed...I remember..."

A frigid, all consuming darkness enveloped everything. Even the
suggestion of fear which insidiously wound its way around Lois'
throat. Why did it always begin this way? A caress of air which
brushed against her skin was feather light at first, but as she
became aware of it, flowing softly around her, it grew stronger.

"I'm afraid." She could feel the fear, but it had lost focus, it
just...was.

"Release it."

There were voices. Whispers mostly, echoing in the darkness which
surrounded her; invisible and yet their strength of presence was
overwhelming.

"Find...your...way..."

But where? **I'm searching** Lois' mind reached out into the
emptiness, clutching at something she could only know she
*needed* desperately ..it was....so close...it was....*someone*.
**Who? Oh God! Where are you? Who are you...?** She had known a
moment ago. She was sure of it. But like the shadows which moved
and tumbled, carrying the hollow sounds of the voices around her,
never quite tangible, that memory too had slipped away. And she
was falling again...

From somewhere deep within the darkness, she heard her own voice
cry out,

"Clark!!"

"Lois?" Another voice? So close?

**Wake up**

"Lois? Are you all right...God, Lois, please...I should never
have left you alone so soon after..."

"Clark..." Lois moaned softly and opened her eyes. She thought
that her head would explode. **Oh God. Where am I?** She screwed
her eyes tightly shut and began to lift one hand from her side
towards her aching temple.

"Shhhh. you shouldn't try and talk now. You passed out again." It
*was* Clark. He sounded so concerned. She wanted to tell him
everything was okay, she wanted to take his hand, but she found
that even the slightest movement, hurt ... a lot. With every
ounce of will power she possessed, she lifted herself up against
him and regretted it immediately. The world, which had only just
began to come into focus was now spinning wildly out of control
and Lois reached out to *anything* in a futile attempt to steady
her reeling head. She latched onto a Clark's arm.

**Funny** She thought, **He's not wearing his suit...** It was
true, in his haste to get to her, Clark had neglected to change.
He still wore the clothes he'd been reading in. A pair of well
worn blue jeans and an equally loved T-shirt which he'd won at
the Smallville corn festival several years ago. He put his arm
around her slowly and helped her back into an upright position.
Lois was holding one hand to her head and so Clark leaned down
towards her ear so that she could hear him, in case she was still
in pain.

"Lois, don't try and get up." His voice was soft. In a moment of
insanity, Lois thought that she loved the deep sound of it,
especially since his face was right next to her ear and she could
feel his warm breath on her skin. She shivered as gentle arms
lowered her backwards toward him. For a moment he was still,
holding her body against his, perhaps more tightly than he'd
intended to. Not painfully so, but with an intense need that was
translated almost immediately. Lois shifted so that his arms
completely enveloped her.

"What is it?" Clark asked. The side of his face pressed softly
against the top her head.

"...I'm sorry." She mumbled. "I guess I got a little excited
trying to get up."

"A little." Clark breathed and moved his face against her hair,
taking in the smell of her shampoo and remembering how she always
seemed so fragile and yet so strong at the same time. Most of
all, he remembered how good it felt to hold her like this. "Do
you remember where you are?"

"Yes. " Lois repositioned herself; her back against Clark's broad
chest, his arms now wrapped securely around her as he
unconsciously rocked her back and forth. There was silence for a
time as they listened to the sound of one another's breathing.
Lois finally broke it.

"Why did you find me?" She asked, twisting around so that she
could face him. The dizziness not quite so severe this time, she
still caught herself against his chest and he reached up to place
his own larger hand over hers, holding it to his heart.

"I heard you. I heard you call my name out...you sounded afraid."
Clark gently moved his fingers over her hand, finally taking it
and placing a kiss against the tops of her knuckles. Lois
sighed.

"It was a dream. I think. I mean, it used to be a dream I had a
lot...before I could remember. Max used to tell me that..." Lois
caught herself mentioning Max in the same familiar way she had
gotten used to recently and she lowered her eyes. Frustration and
confusion apparent on her face. Clark watched her face and let
her continue the thoughts she was obviously struggling with. "I'm
sorry, it's just, it's all so strange for me now. I hate him for
what he did, but I have all these *new* memories and I'm still
trying to put everything back together..."

He reached out with his other hand and brushed it against her
face. "I know." He smiled. "And I'm not going to force you to
move quickly this time. I understand how important it is for you
to be able to think things out for yourself. I wouldn't have even
come here tonight, I swear, it's just that I was afraid that..."

"I love *you*" Lois' expression was serious as she spoke. "You
know that, don't you?" Clark swallowed and glanced down at the
sand. In his mind, images of a limousine driving away crashed
against memories of Lois in her hospital bed.

"Lois.." He started, he had to tell her...

"No, Clark, I never have, nor will I ever, be able to love anyone
the way that I love you. Which is why..." Clark felt his heart
skip a beat. This was it.

"Which is why you have to let me talk now." He interrupted
gently, letting out a long breath. He knew that if he waited much
longer to tell her, he might lose the opportunity.

"Okay." Lois looked down at his hands in his lap and gently took
them, clasping her fingers around his, she looked up at him again
and Clark was sure from the strength of her expression, that she
knew exactly what was coming. She trusted him. She loved him and
*he* had been ready to betray her that night.

"Lois...I...." How was he going to do this? It was like knowingly
plunging a knife into her heart. He couldn't hurt her like
that...but if he didn't, she might never be able to forgive him.
And he had to take the consequences of his actions no matter how
harsh. At least if she wanted to end it now, she could move on.
"I...Oh God, I don't know if I can do this.."

Lois fixed him with a gaze that was resolute. He watched her eyes
shine in the moonlight and one tear as it fell unbidden down her
cheek. She was trying *so* hard not to cry. Clark looked up into
the night, even the stars which had comforted him so many times
before, now seemed distant and unreachable. He wished that there
was an easier way. But it seemed that no matter what happened
tonight, he might break her heart again.

"Lois, what I'm trying to say is that..."

Lois watched him wrestle with so many feelings. She could see
that he was fighting a battle he thought he couldn't win, but
that he was equally determined to see it through. She knew in
that moment that whatever she was feeling, he was going through a
hell of his own right now, and she wasn't going to let him suffer
through it alone.

"You didn't know, Clark. You couldn't have known. It's not your
fault..." She lifted one hand up to touch his face and was
surprised to feel his tears against her skin. She traced the line
of his jaw lightly, exploring, trailing the wetness down across
his lips gently. He kissed the tips of her fingers and she tipped
her head knowingly. "You did nothing wrong."

Clark shook his head and moved back so that he sat facing her.
"She was there, Lois, and I thought...I mean, she was you. And
when I kissed her, I should have known but she was soft the way
you are, she tasted the way you do..." Lois lowered her head and
nodded. It hurt so much but she wasn't angry. She hurt for him.
Because he had lost something so precious to a deception. Her
first time had been no more special and she knew what that was
like so she had *vowed* that she would make his different. Now,
that could never be, and the sense of loss she felt for him was
so profound it was almost tragic. Clark continued...

"I needed you to know that if she hadn't fallen asleep, I *would*
have, I mean, I would never have known that...I'm sorry, Lois.
I'm so sorry I betrayed you and I..."

"She fell asleep?" Lois' eyes widened and she stared at Clark
questioningly. "You mean you never...that you and her didn't
actually..." She sighed out loud. Clark shook his head again
slowly, resigned. "No, but it's the same difference, Lois. The
intent was there. For me, it's not tied up in just the physical
aspect..." He looked down, a little embarrassed and his glasses
slid forward as he did so. "Though I guess I am really looking
forward to that too.." He smiled and Lois felt her own grin
answer his automatically.

"Me too." She squeezed his hand and let him continue.

"But being in love...everything about it is...special to me, and
it's all part of the same power that I feel every time I think
about you. Sharing that bond, that...love with somebody else is
unthinkable to me. And yet I did. For a while, I felt about her,
the way I feel about you..." Clark looked genuinely confused and
Lois nodded slowly.

"Clark, you thought she *was* me. That's different than feeling
those things for someone else, that means that you were still
feeling those things for *me*. No one knew about the clone! I
think you figured it out pretty quickly actually, and I don't
blame you for being in love *with me* on our wedding night. In
fact.." Lois lowered her voice to a conspiratorial level.. "I'll
insist on it."

Suddenly it was Clark who thought his head was spinning out of
control. How could she not be angry? How could she still want to
be anywhere near him? She *had* to be hurting, but she was
forgiving him even so...

On impulse, he leaned down and captured her mouth with his own.
She tasted like tear drops, salty and sweet at the same time.
Lois reflexively reclaimed one hand from his lap and curled her
arm around his neck to bring him closer to her, her lips parted
and she felt the heat of his tongue as it gently caressed hers.
She moaned softly and felt his arms travel around her, finding
the curve of her waist and pulling her against him a little too
eagerly. In an instant, she found herself laying on top of him as
he fell, his back pressed into the sand beneath them. She giggled
and ran her hands along the smooth muscles of his chest, all
thoroughly exposed through the T-shirt pulled tightly around him.
She bent lower as her hands moved farther up his chest until
their faces were only inches apart and there she froze, simply
staring into his gaze; suddenly knowing that the 'incompleteness'
she had felt earlier was gone. Sighing, she closed her eyes and
listened to the night around them...She could still hear the
whisper of the lake and the wind in the trees nearby... Clark
made no move to take over the situation, but regarded her in awe
of the reverent expression that he saw cross her face..

"What is it?" He asked.

"Shhhhhh." Lois touched a finger to his lips and looked around
her before returning her gaze to him. "Just listen..."

"What am I listening for.."

"Listen! Do you feel it?" Lois stared intently at Clark's
uncertain expression and in a split second she could see that he
was not all together with her. Leaning down, she brushed her lips
against his lightly, and then let herself fall forward, deepening
the kiss, drawing his tongue into her mouth and pulling his
warmth into her own as she pressed her body more firmly against
him. She willed him to feel what she was feeling, to know what
she knew. His response was immediate: He moaned and rolled them
over so that it was she who now lay, half sunken, in the soft
warm sand. When the kiss broke away, both were gasping for breath
and Lois' eyes shone with a fierceness that Clark hadn't ever
seen before.

"I feel it." He said, as he kissed the tip of her nose, and then
moved his attention to her neck, trailing soft kisses down along
her collarbone. Lois sighed deeply and ran her fingers through
his hair while at the same time holding him to her, willing him
to continue, she whispered against him...

"Clark...I love you more than I've ever known it was possible to
love anyone. I want you with me, in my life now, and forever."
She kissed the side of his neck as he moved his head around her,
and she ran her hands along the firm muscles of his back..
"Promise me eternity."

Clark stopped his ministrations and moved his head so that he
could see Lois' eyes more clearly. They were dark pools he could
get lost in. He looked seriously at her face, and a thousand
emotions assailed him all at once. He knew even then that he
could never put the intensity of what he was feeling into words,
but he thought he would try. "I promise you.." He kissed her
once, softly..."That I will live and die with your breath on my
lips." he paused for a moment and he could see the tears in Lois'
eyes. "I promise you that you will share my soul until the end of
time." He gently wiped away the drops of moisture that had fallen
against her velvet skin and then took her mouth with his once
again. The kiss was long and sweet and more powerful than any
they had shared before. He thought that he might explode with the
fierce intensity of his emotions. When it broke, Lois brushed her
face along his, barely allowing her lips to touch his skin as
lightly as a feather.

"Clark.." Lois whispered. "Make love with me. I want to be part
of you." Clark swallowed as he looked down at her; as everything
he had been feeling up until now coalesced into one giant
whirlwind. His lips parted slightly and he closed his eyes. He
remembered his own words..

**I wish I could touch you**

"You *can* touch me." His eyes flew open as he realized he had
spoken those words aloud and that Lois had just answered him.

"I want to be part of you." Lois repeated softly, entreating
him...

"Together." He held his breath and watched her expression.

"Do you trust me?" Lois tipped her head up, caressing his lips
with her own; feeling him melt against her.

"I love you." He sighed, her breath was a soft caress against his
face and it sent shivers down his spine.

"I've found the way...let me show you..." She reached out and
pulled him down towards her into a kiss that sent him spiraling
out of control and made him forget everything but *her*. Clark
knew at that moment that he would know forever tonight...

THE END